Onion horoscope of the week(s)

well, we missed a week, so we now present you the best of the last two weeks of the onion's horoscopes [january 29 and february 5]

Pisces February 19 - March 20

You will learn a very important lesson this week concerning the relative melting points of several different dental fillings.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You'll save half-a-dozen orphans from a burning building this week, though to be fair, that's largely because you'll refuse to go back in for their parents.