Onion Horoscope of the Week

we have a tie.

after much debate and dissension, we've determined that two horoscopes are worthy of honor this week:

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Friction in the workplace continues this Thursday, making you wish someone would finally cut you loose from the belt sander.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

People say you're a control freak, but if you had your way, they'd say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.

Area Senior Remembers a Simpler Time When His Anus Didn't Leak

Area Senior Remembers A Simpler Time When His Anus Didn't Leak

CARSON CITY, NV—Once, movies were a quarter, soda pop only cost a nickel, and Hank Fletcher's sphincter was strong enough to expand and contract when he intended.

really fantastic stuff here:

"How I loved to stroll down the promenade arm in arm with my best gal, Dorothy," Fletcher says, shifting in his chair as he pages wistfully through a faded old scrapbook. "We'd talk and laugh, unconstrained by bulky plastic sacks tied to our waists, and go into all the shops—never to buy anything, of course, just to look and to dream. We'd wander along the boardwalk all evening, she with her blue Gainsborough hat and I with my clean underpants, all the while holding hands and not ejecting fecal matter from our anuses."

"But Dorothy's been gone for many a year now," he adds as he closes the scrapbook, "and as for my anus, well, as I said before, it leaks constantly."

Onion Horoscope of the Week

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Everyone laughed when you said the CIA was running mind-control experiments, but they won't be laughing this week when you're admitted to a local insane asylum.

[The Onion's February 12 horoscopes]

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a classic riff on the "everyone laughed when ... but they won't be laughing now" horoscope, well done, Lloyd Schumner Sr., Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-certified Astrologer

Onion horoscope of the week(s)

well, we missed a week, so we now present you the best of the last two weeks of the onion's horoscopes [january 29 and february 5]

Pisces February 19 - March 20

You will learn a very important lesson this week concerning the relative melting points of several different dental fillings.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You'll save half-a-dozen orphans from a burning building this week, though to be fair, that's largely because you'll refuse to go back in for their parents.

Onion horoscope of the week

we're starting a new feature: picking the best horoscope of the week from The Onion.

from a somewhat mediocre field, this beaut definitely shined:

Libra (September 23 - October 23)
It will smell like burnt toast, taste like burnt toast, and even look like burnt toast, but you'll be damned if it isn't just a massive cerebral hemorrhage of the frontal lobe.

[onion horoscopes]

Fancy Man Enjoys Tea

Fancy Man Enjoys Tea

this onion article is great, some of the highlights:

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Jason Baumer, a fancy little gent who is apparently too good to enjoy a regular cup of coffee, drank a cup of tea Sunday.

........

Baumer's beverage is made with the use of a tea bag, a prissy little package of delicately scented, finely shredded leaves wrapped in a thin gauze and festooned with a bright yellow label tied to a string so that the user need not scald her tender digits in the hot water. Baumer, like all the other hens and dandies known to enjoy tea, must "steep" the drink, which is a term for gently lowering the bag into a teacup holding the hot water.

........

Our precious baby Baumer makes nearly daily use of his fragile porcelain teacup, which he balances between feeble thumb and forefinger to drink his beverage with prim sips. He often places the cup on a special little plate that goes with the cup.